Dear Bossip: I’m 22, I Have 3 Kids But Their Father Avoids...

Dear Bossip: I’m 22, I Have 3 Kids But Their Father Avoids Marrying Me



Black couple frustrated

Dear Bossip,

I have a story to tell that I am sure you have heard before, but I need advice. I am 22 years old with 3 children under the age of six.

My children’s father and I have been together on and off for 7 years. We have been consistent these last 3 years despite the ups and downs. He cheated on me about a year and a half ago with a co-worker and it crushed me. I forgave him and tried to move on.

About three months ago, I found nude pics of a girl in his phone. First, he lied and said they were from an “adult” website, but then he confessed and said there were from another co-worker. SMH!

Of course after arguing, and all, I forgave him….again. Now, he has been texting another female co-worker and expects me to believe that they are just friends. How could I? He says that I need to start building back trust for him, but how? Am I being insecure or is he trying to play me? I have never cheated on him and it hurts knowing he can cheat on me.

The other part of my issue is marriage. He doesn’t even want to discuss it. It’s like taboo in our household. He says he will marry me, but he is waiting for the right time. But, if that’s the case why can’t we talk about it. I just don’t know what to do. I love him, but what do you do when love isn’t enough? – Young, Dumb, and in Love

Dear Ms. Young, Dumb, and in Love,

And, here we go, again!

This story and this situation never gets old. No matter how much I address this situation, many women will always find themselves in this predicament with the hopes that their man will do the right thing, and their man will eventually wake up and see how good of a woman they are.

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You’re 22 years old and already have three children with a man who is silly, childish, and immature. You’re 22 years old with three children by some middle school crush, who has no desire to marry you, will never marry you, nor will he even settle down and be serious with you.

If he’s the same age, or around the same age, then know this, he is sowing his young oats. He is running the streets and doing him because he doesn’t want to be trapped, and held back from exploring life as a young, dumb, and full of c** young buck who feels there is a plethora of women to explore his freedom. He’s a kid in a candy store. And, he’s doing this –ish at work, and trying to screw any and everything moving.

So, no, you can’t trust him. He cheated with a co-worker in the past, and he had nude photos from another. Therefore, the newest co-worker he is texting and claiming they are friends, well, Ms. Honey, come on….please don’t be this naïve. You know what’s going on. There is a pattern. He is habitual and he keeps doing the same thing over and over again. He’s the dumba** to think no one can follow his damn dumb trail of evidence.

They are not friends. He is cheating. He will sleep with her, if he hasn’t already. Therefore, don’t trust him. Don’t believe any of his lies. Save yourself the aggravation, headache, drama, and stress.

The sad part is that he has helped to create three children with you, but he’s not owning up to his part as a father, a parent, or partner. He’s made you and your life unappealing for many suitors, and trust and believe he doesn’t care about you, your children, and what’s he’s done to your life. Hell, he will get you pregnant again, and then he will leave you with those children. And, you will be stuck trying to figure out how to care for them alone, and fighting with him for child support payments.

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He’s not going to marry you. NEVER! EVER! I’ve said it time and time again, if a man wants to be with a woman, and he really wants to make her his wife, then he would do it. He is not going to wait for the “perfect time. Or, waiting for the right time.” He will do what he has to do to get that woman and to make her his wife, his partner, his long-time companion. You and he are still middle school crushes trapped together, and you are now adults trapped in a situation bond together by children. And, get this, and understand this, and he may not say this, but he feels trapped in this situation with you, and he resents you and his children. He’d rather be hanging out with his friends, running the streets, screwing as many women as possible, but he can’t because you have him bound at home and want him to be a family, a father, and a husband. He doesn’t want that. He’s avoiding you, the conversation, and the possibility of forever being committed to a situation he really doesn’t want.

Now, you can fool yourself all day long, and you can sit there and hope he will change, he will see the light, and he will become monogamous and faithful. But, his track record fails him every time. You’ve got to save yourself, and your children. You’re young and you have a full life ahead of you. You need an education. You need something to build your own life, and, you’ve got to get your own and not be bound to a man who doesn’t want to be with you, or continue in this rut with someone who is not going to provide a stable living situation for you and your children.

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You can do it, but, it’s going to be a long journey. It’s going to be a lot of hard days, rough days, and days it will seem impossible, but you can do it. Or, you can stay in this situation, continue the back and forth with him, and his cheating, lying, and constant promises of “someday I’ll marry you.” You’ll look up and you’ll be 30 years old with six children, a man who’s still doing the same thing he was doing 10 years ago – finding texts, emails, calls, and nude photos and videos of women, and you will still be waiting on him to marry you. Get out of this relationship. Find some resources, as there are plenty of programs for women like yourself, and begin building and doing for you and your children. Get back in school, find a church, and some positive role models. If you want this situation to change, it is going to depend on you, and not him. He’s is your downfall. – Terrance Dean

Photo courtesy: Shutterstock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Mogul  Hiding In Hip-Hop cover  Straight From Your Gay Best Friend


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