I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4 months. It’s an interracial relationship (she’s black – I’m white) – although that has nothing to do with our issue(s).
In the beginning, everything was GOOD. Then, she asked me to meet her son – and we all started living together (from that day forward). I noted that her son stutters and has ADHD. I know what ADHD is – and the boy has already been diagnosed by a doctor as having it.
He shows the classic signs: Constant movement, can’t sit still, spins around in circles, arms flailing all the time, can’t stop talking, can’t focus on anything, can’t go anywhere with him, and doing just about anything in public that amounts to frustration.
She won’t put him on the MEDS he needs because she said she doesn’t want to see him drugged up looking. We broke up and argued over this many times. At this point, I think I’m done with it.
I wish someone out there could help me get through this because I really care about her, and we get along so well.
I can’t bond with the kid because he’s so hyperactive and the stuttering part frustrates me. When the son speaks s-l-o-w-l-y, then he doesn’t stutter. This girl refuses to get this child any help for stuttering or the ADHD!
I’m really confused and exhausted by all of it. – Her Son Needs Help
Dear Mr. Her Son Needs Help,
Well, if you can’t bond with her son, and his hyperactivity and stuttering frustrates you, and you’ve been arguing over how she cares for her son, then, I suggest you walk away, and save yourself the headache of trying to tell her what to do for and about her son.
But, I really want to address some things as I have a number of issues with your email. First, you sound pompous and arrogant. You come across as a narcissist. And, the tone of your indignation and sly joke regarding if he speaks slowly, then he doesn’t stutter, is not cute or funny. You’re making fun of her child, a child who has a possible problem, and he needs more care, love, and patience, and not your attempt to make him feel worse than he possibly does.
Second, you mentioned race and stated it has nothing to do with your issue. Well, precisely, your interracial relationship has nothing to do with the child, and I don’t see the point of you mentioning it in the beginning of your letter. The issue is about your girlfriend’s child and his need for treatment and help with ADHD. So, why did you mention race in the beginning? Obviously, it has something to do with how you feel about your situation. Otherwise, if you would have left that tidbit of information out of the letter no one would have cared if you were white and she was black.
Third, you refer to her child as “the boy,” and “the kid.” The way you use these terms sounds crass, harsh, and as if he is some incidental object that is getting in the way of you being with his mother. When you are referring to her child, your girlfriend’s son, then, perhaps you should be more kind and notice how you refer to her child as “the boy,” and “the kid.”
But, the tone and name-calling is indicative of how you feel about her son, and about her as well. At one point in the letter you refer to her as “this girl.” The reason you choose to state “this girl” is because you feel she is being childish and immature in the way she is handling her son’s care and diagnosis. Instead of putting him on meds, and getting him the help he needs, you feel as if she is mishandling this situation, and is exacerbating your relationship whereas you feel the need to refer to her as “this girl.” It is a sign of your disrespect for her and how you actually feel about her mentality, and how you see her.
Fourth, you’ve been dating her for four months, and then moved in together. Now, any reasonable intelligent person would know that moving in with someone, especially someone with a child, in four months is going a tad bit fast. What was the urgency to move in so quickly, especially after four months of knowing her? And, you only met her son once prior to moving in. Don’t you feel you should have waited and spent more time getting to know one another, especially her child before you moved in together? You move in and already you’re trying to get her to do things for her child, and make decisions, and I mean life and health decisions, about her child, yet, you don’t really know him.
You’re condemning her, and her son, but you don’t have a say in this matter. You’re her boyfriend. You are not his father, and you are not her husband. And, the way you are going about trying to connect with him is mean and vile. The child probably resents you for how you treat him, and I’m sure she notices how you respond to her child. But, what’s sad is that she moved in with you, someone she barely knows, and is already arguing with you about the care and well-being of her child. She needs some serious help as well.
Look, if the main arguments and the reason you’re breaking up is due to her son, and how she cares for her son, then maybe this is not the relationship for you. Especially if all of this is happening in four months. Her son is a package deal. Instead of jumping in and trying to play hero doctor, how about you should have waited and gotten to know him before deciding to move in together. As a man, you should have talked with her about this issue prior to judging her. You should have communicated with her about her son’s treatment and why she doesn’t want him on meds. I’m sure there are other reasons besides seeing him being drugged up.
But, you’re not interested. You really don’t care about her son. You care nothing about bonding with him, or giving him the love, support, and attention he needs. He’s the child in this situation, and yet, you’re the one acting like a child. You’re over there pouting and stomping your feet because you’re angry that she won’t do what you want her to do. You’re not getting your way, so you make fun of her son, and you try to demean him with your little joke. Sorry, but you’re an asshole. Do her the favor and leave. Do her the favor and stay away from her son. It’s obvious you’re not there out of concern or care. You don’t like children. You want to dictate and throw your power around. It’s best that you end this relationship and find a woman who doesn’t have children. – Terrance Dean
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