Justin Bieber received the roasting of a lifetime last night.
At the hands of Kevin Hart, Ludacris, Shaquille O’Neal and more, Justin was the recipient of a verbal lashing that included jokes about his manhood, his relationship with ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez and his frequent run-ins with the law.
The others weren’t let off the hook easily, however. Jokes were also cracked about Kevin Hart’s height and Martha Stewart’s stint in prison (and the color of her pubic hair).
Kendall Jenner and Kourtney Kardashian were among those to attend Justin’s 4-hour roast.
“Bieber has 10 million fans – most are in middle schools, or standing at least 500 feet away from one.” – Kevin Hart
“Congratulations Hannibal Buress, you are only the Bill Cosby accuser making money off of him.” – Snoop Dogg
“I always encouraged people to stay classy. And what’s more classy than hanging out with Floyd Mayweather.” – Ron Burgundy
“Justin’s fans are called beliebers because it’s politically incorrect to use the word retards.” – Natasha Legerro
“A lot of people are upset that Justin hasn’t won a Grammy. There is Martha Stewart. She can be your grammy.” – Jeff Ross
“Justin, I don’t like your music. I think it’s bad, man. I hate your music. I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.” – Hannibal Buress
“Selena Gomez couldn’t be here tonight. Just because she didn’t want to be here.” – Kevin Hart
“Kevin is the only celebrity with a star on the yellow brick road.” – Shaquille O’Neal
“Martha is so old, her first period was the Renaissance.” – SNL’s Pete Davidson
“Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that low. And he uses your music to torture people.” – Shaquille O’Neal
“I’ve come up with a douche that no one has ever heard of, you know, like Chris D’Elia.” – Martha Stewart
“Hannibal Buress is famous for exposing Cosby. He’s only famous for exposing Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby hurt those women without ever caring about the consequences … that Hannibal Buress would become famous.” – Pete Davidson
“You are the King Joffrey of Pop.”– Jeffrey Ross
“All these rappers on stage and Martha stewart has done the most jail time.” – Natasha Legerro
“Justin wants to be black so bad, he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters.” – Ludacris
“He’s Justin Bieber’s favorite comic, which is why he has ‘duh’ in the middle of his name.” – Kevin Hart, introducing Chris D’Elia
“Those Calvin Klein billboards you made are terrible. And I was in Whitney.” – Chris D’Elia
“Kevin, you are everywhere. He is going to be on the next season of Game of Thrones. He’s going to play Peter Dinklage’s shadow.” – Natasha Legerro
“What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.” – Justin Bieber
“Kevin Hart is so short, he calls Lil Wayne, Wayne.” – Justin Bieber
“Kevin Hart’s career plan? Do everything Martin Lawrence did only shittier.” – Justin Bieber
“Martha Stewart: Thanks for coming. I’ll bet that’s something you don’t’ do much of anymore.” – Justin Bieber
“Martha Stewart, I want to f*ck you so bad. I bet your pubic hair is 50 shades of gray.” – Jeff Ross
“Shaq was the original 2 Chainz because that’s how he was brought into the country.” – Jeff Ross
“Shaq’s dick is so big, he uses it as a selfie stick.” – Jeff Ross
“Is that Kevin Hart, or did Shaq take a shit?” – Jeff Ross
“Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you? Selena Gomez had sex with [you] … proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won’t do.” – Jeff Ross
“If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz.” – Jeff Ross
“You have such a huge career … behind you.” – Jeff Ross
“A feud with One Direction? That’s like a fight between don’t-care and who-gives-a-shit.” – Ludacris
“You act so much like a pussy, Ellen [DeGeneres] tried to eat you.” – Ludacris
We have to give it to Jeff Ross; based on what we’ve read, he absolutely destroyed the competition last night.
The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber airs March 30.