SHE Confession #8: The Disarray of Matrimony

SHE Confession #8: The Disarray of Matrimony

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I loved two men in my life. I loved them enough to marry
them. I also even loved them enough to divorce them just as well. The first
marriage was in my late teens and ended before I was even legal to drink. The
latter I married a few years shortly after. Both of those marriages painfully
ended to my dismay. I take the brunt of the blame. Reason being, my selection
process. Although they were very different in many ways, it was like I had
chosen the exact same man twice.
I believed both men truly loved me but, not enough to give
up their bachelor like ways. They were both men who thrived for the nightlife
and lived for the streets, seven days a week. They both had the mentality that
this is who they were and I just had to accept it if I wanted to be in their
world. Neither one of them disclosed such behavior when we were courting.
Perhaps they did but, the dopamine high affected my better judgment. I was also
naive in thinking I could try to change either of them. I tried a series of
things in both marriages. I tried talking it out, expressing my feelings,
fighting about it and lastly, I tried the two can play that game strategy.
Neither of these things ever really worked.
After going through the dissatisfaction of failing marriage
number two, I finally realized that it was wrong of me to expect change from
someone who didn’t want to change or feel the need for the change. I had to
learn to try to accept people for who they are. I can choose to deal with them
as they are or I can choose not to. What made me finally move on from the
second marriage was when I realized that I was doing all the compromising and
through all the compromising I lost my sense of self, who I was along the way.

Depression had set in and I was not characteristically
recognizable to those who knew and loved me. So after two decades of marriage I
mustered up the courage to leave. I left him not because I stopped loving him;
I left because I had to start loving me again. Leaving him was about reclaiming
my sense of self-worth back, becoming strong and whole again. If by chance I
should have a go at love again, hopefully it will be with someone whose values
fit with my own or one that is willing to compromise for the sake of the
relationship.

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